Highlights from Daring Greatly by Brené Brown

Recently, I read Daring Greatly by vulnerability researcher Brené Brown. Here are the highlights of the book, from my perspective:

Brown says her book is based off a quote from Theodore Roosevelt, who said “The credit belongs to the man…who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly.”

On Vulnerability

Vulnerability is not knowing victory or defeat; it’s understanding the necessity of both.

When we spend our lives waiting until we’re perfect or bulletproof before we walk into the arena, we ultimately sacrifice relationships and opportunities that may not be recoverable, we squander our precious time, and we turn our backs on our gifts, those unique contributions that only we can make.

We must dare to show up and let ourselves be seen.

No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, it is important to remind yourself that you are enough, and the following points:

-          Love and belonging are irreducible needs.

-          Those who feel lovable, who love, and who experience belonging simply believe they are worthy of love and belonging.

-          Cultivate worthiness

-          Wholeheartedness is defined by courage, compassion, and connection.

-          Vulnerability is a catalyst for courage, compassion, and connection.

Wholeheartedness is vulnerability plus worthiness: facing uncertainty, exposure, and emotional risks, and knowing that I am enough.

Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It sounds like truth and feels like courage.

The struggle for many people: We want to experience your vulnerability but don’t want to be vulnerable ourselves.

When we pretend that we can avoid vulnerability we engage in behaviors that are often inconsistent with who we want to be.

Vulnerability is based on mutuality and requires boundaries and trust. It’s not oversharing, purging or indiscriminate disclosure. It’s about sharing our feelings and experiences with people who have earned the right to hear them.

Vulnerability begets vulnerability; courage is contagious.

In order to be vulnerable, we need to develop resilience to shame.

Use the phrase: “I’m feeling vulnerable and I’m so grateful for ____.”

Misusing vulnerability is floodlighting (letting it all out) or serpentining (going around it instead of just facing it).

On Connection

Connection is why we’re here. We are hardwired to connect with others; it’s what gives us purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering.

When describing connection, people described heartbreak, betrayal, and shame—the fear of not being worthy of real connection. Humans have a tendency to define things by what they are not, rather than what they are.

When people aren’t feeling connection and when shame becomes a management style, engagement dies. When failure is not an option, it is nearly impossible to learn, be creative, or innovate.

On Shame

Many people have “scarcity mindsets,” where they are never _________ enough (fill in the blank). This mindset lives at the very heart of jealousy, greed, prejudice, and arguments with life.

Shame becomes fear. Fear leads to risk aversion. Risk aversion kills innovation. If we speak shame, it begins to wither.

Instead of shame, say to yourself: “This hurts and is disappointing, but success and recognition and approval are not the values that drive me. My value is courage, and I was just courageous. You can move on, shame.”

We all have shame, but we’re afraid to talk about it. The less we talk about it, the more control it has over our lives.

Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.

Guilt = I did something bad. Shame = I am bad.

Humiliation is different. People believe they deserve shame, but not humiliation. Embarrassment is the least serious. It’s normally fleeting and could be funny.

Four things to develop shame resilience:

-          Recognizing shame and understanding its triggers

-          Practicing critical awareness

-          Reaching out

-          Speaking shame

We’re hard on each other because we’re using each other as a launching pad out of our own perceived shaming deficiency.

Perfectionism is a form of shame because we fear what people will think if we’re not perfect.

Blaming and finger-pointing are often symptoms of shame. If someone must be to blame, and it’s not me, then it must be you. From blame comes shame. And then hurt, denial, anger, and retaliation.

On Being Enough

From the book The Velveteen Rabbit: Once you are real, you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.

I am enough (worthiness versus shame).

I’ve had enough (boundaries versus one-uping and comparison).

Showing up, taking risks, and letting myself be seen is enough (engagement versus disengagement).

1)      Joy comes in moments, and we miss it when we get too busy chasing down the extraordinary.

2)      Be grateful for what you have.

3)      Don’t squander joy.

Self-compassion has three elements: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.

We have developed a culture that if we stay busy enough, the truth of our lives won’t catch up with us.